3 YEARS RECOVERY: SELF-INJURY

This is a post I'm totally preparing way in advance, it's hugely important to me to get this right. As it's coming up to my third year in recovery from self-injury I wish to shed light upon my journey and provide a story of hope to anyone who is reading this blog right now, who may be going through the same thing or, is thinking about self-injury. Firstly, I want to say that this post is not at all a preach to do this, and that, and so on. Secondly, this is not a sympathy story, I'm perfectly fine now, I don't want sympathy. Thirdly, if you're going to judge anything from here on out click the X in the corner.

Some people may wonder why I'm writing this if it scares me to even write the words self-injury. Also if I'm going to be scared of the perception towards this post. What about the reaction? Who knows how this post will go down. Here's my reasoning why this is going to go out there to you guys, my question here is why should I have to worry about the reaction? This is my problem with self-harm and self-injury there is so much stigma attached to both, that people are so scared to admit anything is wrong with them. I'm scared to write this post because I'm scared of being judged. I believe the more people that talk about this topic though and open up with their experience the stigma becomes smaller and smaller. The close minded people who judge those who have suffered become more frowned upon than those who suffer. The day that comes around, the better. So, with all that said this is why I'm writing this post.

I've said from day one I want this whole blog to be honest. My ambition in life is to help people, there you can see why I'm writing this. Imagine if this helps one person, I'd be incredibly happy. I'm going to be honest as much as I can throughout this and the bits I don't find comfortable writing about I shall leave out. For those who are reading this that may be suffering, I want to warn you that this could be triggering for you. For those of you who are not knowledgeable on what self-injury exactly is, it is where someone deliberately carves, cuts or scratches their skin, burns themselves, banging/punching/hitting objects with the intention of hurting themselves and embedding things under the skin. Self-harm however is where behaviour can have a short or long-term effect such as, drug abuse. SOURCE FOR THESE DEFINITIONS.

I started self-injuring I'd say around June 2011. It stopped by the end of August 2011. It was very short lived as you can tell by the dates. I've had relapses after August but nothing major where I'd actually bleed. I was not happy unless my cuts bled during June, July and August. I felt a buzz when they did. I had things going on in my life that caused me to self-injure it was family related stuff, a lot was going on at the time. I'd also lost my Granddad in January 2011. My cuts weren't deep enough to leave noticeable scars. I only have three scars that are visible right now, I say visible but you can only see them if you're up close and looking for them on my wrist. I got out of this vicious addiction very quickly compared to some sufferers, thank goodness. I was lucky and some people aren't, I am so thankful for what happened to make me realise how dangerous and serious what I was doing was.

As mentioned previously, I stopped in August. I was out with my friend, she saw the cuts on my wrist and I could've died then and there. I wanted the ground to swallow me. You know, when I was happy I totally forgot what I'd been doing to myself in the comfort of my bedroom. She was showing off her tan, as I'm the palest person to walk the earth she wanted to compare her tan to mine... She pulled my sleeves up and I completely forgot about what I'd been doing. I know that sounds ridiculously stupid but it's true. When I was out with friends I could forget about what was happening at home. Anyway, she saw my cuts scabbed over, she just looked at me and then acted normal with me the rest of the day. I got home and just broke down, I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid.

At the beginning of August that's when I started trying to stop, I used the method of 'Butterfly Project'. There's a link here to see what it's about, it may sound trivial at first but it helped me. Each time I 'killed' one I'd write down the trigger to see if there was a pattern. That was it, one day I just stopped and fought the urge. Trust me there have been times I relapsed and still I sometimes think of self-injury but I don't think I'd do it now. I'm so thankful I told my boyfriend about it so if I ever do feel like it I can talk to him. Whatever you believe, you are never alone. Even if you think you are there will always be someone online who is willing to chat with you. Finally, I am perfectly always happy to talk via any social media.

That's my experience of self-injury, I just wanted to share it as I believe it's important to open up and talk. I always want my readers to get to know me better. I believe sharing stories of hope, rather than moaning about what I'm going through at the minute like in my 'HONESTY HOURS', that this is much more positive for me and more importantly, you, as the readers.

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50 FACTS ABOUT ME

I've written an About Me post and it's been in the queue to be published for a while now. It featured illustrations I'd drew about my life. I have this feeling about it though, that it's absolutely awful. That's why I'm sat here writing this, I just wanted something a little more upbeat. I wanted to do an About Me which had a bit of a difference but I guess sometimes sticking to the structured way of an About Me is a lot less hassle to pull off. Instead I'm just going to fire 50 facts down at my keyboard (or at least do my best).

1. I live with my Mum, brother and my Mum's boyfriend. 
2. I don't see my Dad at the minute.
3. I am so, so, so close to my Nan.
4. I have a boyfriend we got together on the 5th of July 2013.
5. I guess I'm missing something important already, my birth date! It's the 17th of December 1994.
6. I like sitting down in my bedroom, on a summers evening with the window open and listening to the birds tweet whilst relaxing.
7. Writing relaxes me, I find it so therapeutic.
8. I am completely and utterly in love with pugs.
9. I honestly believe that if you think positively about something it will happen.
10. I believe in everything supernatural.
11. After the previous fact I'll be crazy and honest enough to say I've seen a ghost. 
12. I have anxiety (many of you may know that).
13. I love candles.
14. I've loved One Direction since they got together.
15. I also met them in 2011. Maybe I'll share the photos with you all one day but I looked hideous, ha!
16. I listen to the same album over and over that I soon get bored of it and begin to dislike it...
17. In my free time I love to read.
18. I'm currently job hunting everyday...
19. My favourite song is Rudimental - Feel The Love.
20. I've seen Coldplay, One Direction, Rita Ora, Iggy Azalea, Kodaline and 5 Seconds Of Summer live.
21. I absolutely adore baking, I'd love to get into baking professional cakes but my arty skills aren't good enough.
22. My favourite book will always be The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. I experienced every emotion whilst reading that book.
23. I love painting my nails pretty patterns, I've yet to feature pretty nails on my blog, maybe I'll do so soon.
24. I went to The University of Northampton to study Psychology and Counselling (I didn't make the whole 3 years).
25. I achieved an A, B and a C in my A-levels. 
26. Job hunting is harder than I expected.
27. I believe everything happens for a reason.
28. I don't like sandwiches. 
29. I'm very pale, I've had many fake tan disasters.
30. Malteser Bunnies are my favourite chocolate.
31. If you're interested in raunchy reads, I'm currently reading The Juliette Society by Sasha grey.
32. My favourite movie is The Proposal and I've no idea why...
33. I hate being around drunk people, I get ridiculously anxious.
34. I failed my driving test twice, go me. 
35. I am super scared of flying.
36. As I'm growing older it's becoming really difficult for me to save and resist the temptation of clothes and homeware decor.
37. When my room is tidied I feel so relaxed and organised.
38. I was in a long distance relationship for 8 months and in September I'll be in one again. I'd like to say to all those who have doubts, it's really not impossible.
39. I can't stand it when other girls bring other girls down. Saying stuff about their weight and what they're wearing, what's that all about?
40. I'm currently loving Haim's 'Days Are Gone' album and Ed Sheeran's new album.
41. Autumn is my favourite season.
42. I love taking photos of beautiful scenery.
43. I am a big feminist.
44. One thing I love the most is making people happy.
45. I want to travel ridiculous amounts.
46. I'd say I have one true friend... I would only ever trust her. 
47. I am obsessed over how my Instagram page looks and at the minute it's absolutely dreadful. 
48. I laugh at my own jokes.
49. My hands and feet are always cold.
50. Finally, I'm a natural blonde.

Okay, this was definitely harder than expected. I hope you feel like you know me better now though! 

Have any of you guys got an About Me or something I can read to get to know you better?

 

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A TIDY MIND

So here I am, sucking on an ice lolly, the window wide open and from that you can predict that I'm cooling down. All this sweat is totally worth it though, don't you think when your room is organised your life feels completely organised? My room was such a mess before, the tops of my drawers were so cluttered, it was just awful. When things are tidy it makes me want to be in my bedroom so much more. I usually write blog posts in here so it's nice to be in a clean room. This is how I spent my Sunday evening how grown up of me.

HONESTY HOUR #7: MOTIVATION

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This is something I've been thinking about for around a month and a bit. That's quite a while to be thinking of changing but not actually changing. I'm not talking about changing me as a person just what I eat and how much exercise that I actually participate in. You're probably wandering what brought this on... Recently I went on the scales and since moving to University I gained over a stone and a half. I'm not happy with the way I look at the moment so there's only two things I can do which I've already mentioned, diet and exercise.

The hardest thing for me is to get the motivation to start a diet. I have such a sweet tooth after I've ate my dinner and I love to eat some chocolate. That is the worst thing ever. Where can I buy motivation? Oh how I wish you could! I know everybody should be confident with the way they look and self confidence I believe is a big factor to how much self esteem you have. I always find that I'm comfortable in myself but I can tell I've put weight on and I honestly just want to size down 2 sizes. That would make me a happy lady.

I've seen so many people losing weight at the moment on my Instagram, YouTube and Blogger also. This inspires me and I want to do the same. I get self concious about exercising in public though, is that so silly? Me and my best friend did some jogging whilst we were at uni and I felt great afterwards that I'd actually gone out and done something. Why on earth do I get self concious of what other people think because it's me that's getting the benefits after I go out and do that sort of stuff.

That comes to now.. How do I keep motivated? I know weight loss is a journey and it takes a whole lot of time and patience. Losing 2 or 3 pounds is way better than gaining, right? Maybe I'll start this weight loss journey soon when I believe I can do it. I know I can do it it's just actually doing it. Once you say that's it I'm starting losing weight today, there is so much pressure on you to actually do this I think. Maybe that's what I'm scared of who knows? One things for sure though I am very eager to lose weight this year.

How do you stay motivated, any tips?

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #6: STRENGTH

A MOAN ABOUT THE WEATHER

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I'm currently sat here sweating like never before, editing blog posts and being a victim of this British heat. It's not even the heat I'm bothered about it's the humidity, it's awful. My bedroom is pitch black, I don't want any sun shining into my room because that makes this whole situation a lot more fun... I do joke. My fan is currently blowing warm air around my room, just for a bit more information I have the smallest bedroom out of the bedrooms in this house so it's like a little sweat box. Trying to feel positive and summery today with summery tunes blasting out but it's not really doing the trick at all.

I have yet to do my make up just to sweat it all off yet again. My hair needs to be contended with. I hate having thick and relatively longish hair in this weather. I feel like it's only aim in it's hair life is to wrap itself around my neck and stick to me until I choke and die. That's not even it's aim but oh well, I say it is now, so it is, hahaha. I'm writing this on a Saturday, I have a tonne of posts ready and waiting to go up so who knows when this will finally make it's début. Probably in winter when all this moaning becomes totally irrelevant. If you haven't noticed by now, yes I am one of those British people that just moan about the weather and I'm never happy with what it's doing.

Another thing I wish to get off my chest is hayfever. Goodness, it's awful. I never usually suffer from hayfever but let me tell you now I am most definitely making up for that this year. I can now fully understand why you hayfever sufferers have a hard time. At the moment I'm drugged up with Piriteze, yet I'm still sneezing, my nose is still stuffy and my eyes are still irritated. I almost want to scratch them out or remove my head and replace it with a fresh faced, new me! I know I won't be doing this but instead just suffering like the rest, yipee. Who said summer was their favourite season? Not me I tell you. Bring on autumn.

DAY IN THE LIFE OF VANESSA: MATLOCK

Me, my Mum and my Mum's boyfriend went on a spontaneous trip to Matlock, in Derbyshire, one afternoon a couple of days ago. The weather was pretty gloomy but Matlock always look so pretty. We went to the Matlock Bath part, it's gorgeous. Hopefully I've done it's beauty justice in these photos. We live a short car trip away from here so took advantage of the warm temperature and went for some chips and play on the amusements!

Just look at that red telephone box, so cute. I had to get a photo of it. Those dinky donuts were so delicious. Hot and coated in sugar a girl couldn't ask for any more, yum. I don't think the photo does those donuts justice but I could definitely eat them all over again just by looking at it!

Matlock is picturesque and precious, it's like being near a seaside town but it's not at the seaside. It's definitely worth taking a camera to a place like this. I managed with my phone although the pictures could have been much better quality had I carried my camera.

I just thought I'd share one of my adventures with you all through pictures!

Have you done any day in the life posts?

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HONESTY HOUR #6: STRENGTH

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Honesty Hour posts usually appear on my blog on a Tuesday. However, yesterday I didn't really know what to be honest about... It's important to me though to have continuity and for my Honesty Hour series to continue because they're raw and real. That's me, that's what I want my blog to be about. I want it to symbolise everything I think I am, honest. Honesty Hours are also a favourite of my readers I've found, so having them here to keep you guys happy is definitely something I wish to keep up. I'd call this a writers block but it's only with one post so I'll find my way through this post. I want to write something about strength but I want to do it justice. I don't want to just get something out there and it not be everything that I hope it would be... I do add this one is a long one!

I had a battle with something very big that I've not yet spoken about before in any of my Honesty Hours. I still wish not too. I may share it sometime soon. It feels too private. Put it this way though, I had to keep myself going everyday and keeping strong was really my only option.

If you look into the future I honestly believe you see the worst things. When you're battling something forever seems a very long time to go without something you're craving to do. So taking one day at a time and just thinking about the day is much more helpful rather than overwhelming yourself with the long term. I know the only place I could see myself then fills me with sadness now. That is my biggest piece of advice, take one day at a time. The future is overwhelming enough for someone not fighting a battle let alone someone who is.

How to keep strong is so difficult. I don't think people know how strong they are until their battle is over. When I was battling I never thought I'd get over what it was I thought I'd always have to be that way. Now I'm no longer facing that struggle everyday, it no longer comes across my mind to be so negative. So think of how strong you was yesterday and the day before and realise how strong you are.

Words never really help when you're dealing with something alone. If I could go back I wish I'd of told someone. That's way easier said than done and I know that more than most because I've been there. There was no chance I'd tell my Mum now, let alone then. However, my boyfriend is very supportive of what I went through. Like me then though, I didn't have the luxury of a boyfriend to tell and if he'd of said 'don't do it' I highly doubt that would have worked either. Having someone there though to talk about your problem with though may help. Going at something alone is never easy. Even if you don't listen to them when they say not to do something at least you know they're there to listen. That's something else too, don't tell someone who is just going to force advice upon you, you want someone who will listen. Listening is harder than people think, truly listening.

I so far realise that this is not a positive post saying here's how you keep strength! Anyone who is in a negative place knows how hard keeping faith in yourself is. In all honesty I think you, yourself has to keep strong for yourself. Whatever you're battling I think you have to be in the right mindset to stop or something dramatic has to happen for you to realise what you're actually putting yourself through. My friend noticed something about me that gave me a massive wake up call. I see that as a god send. What I was doing could have only gotten worse. It stopped soon after she noticed.

I get so passionate about people looking at their problem positively but you know what it's so difficult to be happy and strong in a dark time. I always remembered there have been people who had been through what I went through and they're recovering now so there is definitely hope for me. That, I believe, pulled me through as well as keeping myself busy. 

There is hope for everyone, with the right mindset and help things work out. I'm not saying I'm completely fixed, I know otherwise. I'm now suffering from anxiety, I'd rather be suffering from that though than what I was going through before. I can control my anxiety, I had no hope of controlling the other. If any of you ever need a chat, do message me I'd be more than happy to listen.

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