HONESTY HOUR #8: IT'S OKAY TO CRY

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You know when things just all build up into one big mess in your head and it just comes crashing down in the form of tears. That was me, yesterday. I felt like I'd been shouted at, silly I know, but that on top of everything else building up in my head meant I headed for a breakdown of crying... The main reason, I felt like a failure, I know I'm far from it.

With that aside I just want to say it's okay to cry every now and then. There's totally nothing wrong with it. Do it. It's good for you. Let it all go, everything that you've built up inside just let it out of your system and that's it really, move on. It's hard to be sane and deal with lives everyday things when you have things building up inside you or you will undoubtedly breakdown into fits of tears anywhere. This could be over someone speaking to you in a way you dislike too, as I found out yesterday, ha!

So many people think they're weak if they cry and that's far from true. I honestly believe it's healthy. Find something that's going to help you cry and once you are, just cry it all out. We hold so much in that it takes such a strain on us and it all comes rushing out at once and we make ourselves feel worse by doing this. If you're anything like me though you'll carry on doing this. In perspective all I'm trying to say here is cry whenever you need too and don't be afraid of that because it's perfectly normal to cry.

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #7: MOTIVATION

HONESTY HOUR #7: MOTIVATION

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This is something I've been thinking about for around a month and a bit. That's quite a while to be thinking of changing but not actually changing. I'm not talking about changing me as a person just what I eat and how much exercise that I actually participate in. You're probably wandering what brought this on... Recently I went on the scales and since moving to University I gained over a stone and a half. I'm not happy with the way I look at the moment so there's only two things I can do which I've already mentioned, diet and exercise.

The hardest thing for me is to get the motivation to start a diet. I have such a sweet tooth after I've ate my dinner and I love to eat some chocolate. That is the worst thing ever. Where can I buy motivation? Oh how I wish you could! I know everybody should be confident with the way they look and self confidence I believe is a big factor to how much self esteem you have. I always find that I'm comfortable in myself but I can tell I've put weight on and I honestly just want to size down 2 sizes. That would make me a happy lady.

I've seen so many people losing weight at the moment on my Instagram, YouTube and Blogger also. This inspires me and I want to do the same. I get self concious about exercising in public though, is that so silly? Me and my best friend did some jogging whilst we were at uni and I felt great afterwards that I'd actually gone out and done something. Why on earth do I get self concious of what other people think because it's me that's getting the benefits after I go out and do that sort of stuff.

That comes to now.. How do I keep motivated? I know weight loss is a journey and it takes a whole lot of time and patience. Losing 2 or 3 pounds is way better than gaining, right? Maybe I'll start this weight loss journey soon when I believe I can do it. I know I can do it it's just actually doing it. Once you say that's it I'm starting losing weight today, there is so much pressure on you to actually do this I think. Maybe that's what I'm scared of who knows? One things for sure though I am very eager to lose weight this year.

How do you stay motivated, any tips?

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #6: STRENGTH

HONESTY HOUR #6: STRENGTH

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Honesty Hour posts usually appear on my blog on a Tuesday. However, yesterday I didn't really know what to be honest about... It's important to me though to have continuity and for my Honesty Hour series to continue because they're raw and real. That's me, that's what I want my blog to be about. I want it to symbolise everything I think I am, honest. Honesty Hours are also a favourite of my readers I've found, so having them here to keep you guys happy is definitely something I wish to keep up. I'd call this a writers block but it's only with one post so I'll find my way through this post. I want to write something about strength but I want to do it justice. I don't want to just get something out there and it not be everything that I hope it would be... I do add this one is a long one!

I had a battle with something very big that I've not yet spoken about before in any of my Honesty Hours. I still wish not too. I may share it sometime soon. It feels too private. Put it this way though, I had to keep myself going everyday and keeping strong was really my only option.

If you look into the future I honestly believe you see the worst things. When you're battling something forever seems a very long time to go without something you're craving to do. So taking one day at a time and just thinking about the day is much more helpful rather than overwhelming yourself with the long term. I know the only place I could see myself then fills me with sadness now. That is my biggest piece of advice, take one day at a time. The future is overwhelming enough for someone not fighting a battle let alone someone who is.

How to keep strong is so difficult. I don't think people know how strong they are until their battle is over. When I was battling I never thought I'd get over what it was I thought I'd always have to be that way. Now I'm no longer facing that struggle everyday, it no longer comes across my mind to be so negative. So think of how strong you was yesterday and the day before and realise how strong you are.

Words never really help when you're dealing with something alone. If I could go back I wish I'd of told someone. That's way easier said than done and I know that more than most because I've been there. There was no chance I'd tell my Mum now, let alone then. However, my boyfriend is very supportive of what I went through. Like me then though, I didn't have the luxury of a boyfriend to tell and if he'd of said 'don't do it' I highly doubt that would have worked either. Having someone there though to talk about your problem with though may help. Going at something alone is never easy. Even if you don't listen to them when they say not to do something at least you know they're there to listen. That's something else too, don't tell someone who is just going to force advice upon you, you want someone who will listen. Listening is harder than people think, truly listening.

I so far realise that this is not a positive post saying here's how you keep strength! Anyone who is in a negative place knows how hard keeping faith in yourself is. In all honesty I think you, yourself has to keep strong for yourself. Whatever you're battling I think you have to be in the right mindset to stop or something dramatic has to happen for you to realise what you're actually putting yourself through. My friend noticed something about me that gave me a massive wake up call. I see that as a god send. What I was doing could have only gotten worse. It stopped soon after she noticed.

I get so passionate about people looking at their problem positively but you know what it's so difficult to be happy and strong in a dark time. I always remembered there have been people who had been through what I went through and they're recovering now so there is definitely hope for me. That, I believe, pulled me through as well as keeping myself busy. 

There is hope for everyone, with the right mindset and help things work out. I'm not saying I'm completely fixed, I know otherwise. I'm now suffering from anxiety, I'd rather be suffering from that though than what I was going through before. I can control my anxiety, I had no hope of controlling the other. If any of you ever need a chat, do message me I'd be more than happy to listen.

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #5: NIGHTMARES

HONESTY HOUR #5: NIGHTMARES

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These honesty hours recently are just basically so negative. I do wish to share my experience with you all though. Know that for now, I am not experiencing any of these topics as much as I was doing the year of 2013. This can only be seen as a positive. However, for all of those people that are reading this blog and are currently experiencing any of the things I've spoken about in my 'Honesty Hour' series, I want you to know that I can relate and I understand what all of this stuff feels like on the emotions.

So here I am yet again writing another Honesty Hour post, these are my favourite to write but I really do try to express as much of my experience as I possibly can with you all without me feeling uncomfortable about it. As I've disclaimed before I do not want sympathy these posts are just stories of hope. With that said I can now share my experience with frequent nightmares.

I am sure you've all experienced nightmares on one occasion or another. I had them quite frequently though at one point in 2013. I must've had 2/3 a week. That doesn't seem much considering some people unfortunately suffer with them terrifically more than I ever did. No matter the frequency though they were horrific to even go through. I'd wake up and I could never get back to sleep. I'd have to sleep with the light on and on some accounts I'd also stay up until it got light outside. I was so scared.

I feel so lucky I never experienced them every single night, I can only imagine what that must be like for the people that suffer every night. The nights I experienced them I'd wake up in a panic, I'd be so still, scared to move. Sometimes I'd wake up crying. I'd try and calm myself down until I felt brave enough to switch a light on. The thing is at time you often have nobody to talk to because it's often early morning. That's the difficult thing, I lived with my Mum at this point but I never liked the thought of going to wake her up. I knew I could have, she made that very clear but I still tried my best not to resort to this.

My nightmares varied, they could be about anything. Some were really trivial, others hit me very hard. After I woke up from a nightmare the only thing I could think about was the nightmare, I was reliving it over and over. I used to often dream about my Granddad who passed away in 2011. These dreams were horrible because he used to look really unhappy with me. They used to really get to me, I always wandered what if he wasn't proud of me. It's silly really, me and my Granddad were so close and he was always proud of me. I had dreams of people close to me dying too and getting chased which is known as a common dream.

I'd like to say now I've not suffered with a nightmare in around 8 months. My anxiety has also been treated within this space of time. I believe I was having frequent nightmares because of my level of stress, my anxiety and just my mindset in general. It's difficult to write this post because I am always scared of jinxing it. They're so hard to deal with, they make you scared to fall asleep at night. Living without the constant fear is much more relaxing and I think my anxiety medication has helped with the decrease in nightmares. All I can say is just believe, keep the hope.

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #4: FEELINGS

HONESTY HOUR #4: FEELINGS

This series of 'Honesty hour' have been involved in some of my top blog posts, the ones with the most views. Sometimes I shy away on these from what I really want to say. I never want to come across as I'm begging for attention because that is just not me, I'd never want sympathy for anything. This week I'm just going to be honest with how I'm feeling at the moment.

I recognise and I can admit it, I am not in a good place at the moment. You know what, that's fine. There's always going to be those days or maybe even weeks. I know these feelings will pass. I know something good will come because everything happens for a reason. I've recently just withdrew from University. My days now consist of me sitting here hoping something will come my way.

I honestly feel like I'm good for nothing. I feel like I won't achieve anything in life at the moment and I know that's not true. I keep thinking I am a failure. I honestly believe in myself, I really do. I know what I'm capable of, I know I'm an intelligent girl and I also know I can go far. Anyway having said that I've not had the best 2 weeks.

I had to go back to my uni, I had a driving test booked there. It was my second one. I spent the last of my money on getting to my uni and all on driving itself and paying for my test. I failed the first with 6 minors and 1 serious fault. This time I failed it with 4 minors and 1 serious fault. I am well aware that I can drive and I'm happy with my driving. Hopefully it will be 3rd time lucky. However, now I've got the stress of adjusting to a different car to learn in and finding money to pay for this all, yet again. I know I won't need many lessons, I just need to get used to the test routes. So that's that, it sucks but never mind, I can't change nothing. My bank account has had something suspicious going on with it that the bank are currently looking into. A few other personal things have been getting me down too. So I honestly don't feel too happy right now, at all.

That's basically all that has happened and it sounds stupid for me to be complaining over something like the above but it's just really got to me. I really wanted to pass what with having no driving instructor in my home town etc. Onwards and upwards as I always say though. There will be something lurking near by that will boost my hopes again!

 IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #3: UNIVERSITY

HONESTY HOUR #3: UNIVERSITY

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I wanted to write something about my university experience this week. From sixth form I felt forced into going to university. I always felt like there was no choice into where I could go with myself. I feel like in sixth form they never give you choice it's always just forced upon you that you should go to university. Lots of people want to go there but sometimes it's just not for everyone. I was struggling upon what I wanted to do. I've always wanted to help people, so my course selection kind of stemmed from there. I was mulling over Midwifery, Psychology and Counselling or Forensic Psychology. I finally decided with my past experience the best way of helping people would be to get some insight into counselling. I therefore chose to do Psychology and Counselling at The University of Northampton. 

In my A-level's I got an A in Psychology, a B in Sociology and a C in Health and Social care. That is a total of 300 UCAS points. My course wanted 300-320 UCAS points to get on so I was in a good position to getting on my chosen course. I made it, I've now dropped out. Oh how life changes... There's always a reason for things to happen though. Maybe better things are going to come along, who knows? I was not happy doing what I was doing. I'm very family orientated and I love being close with my family. My boyfriend was also 3 hours away in a car and on train also. I was so far away from all the people I loved. 

I went to uni with my best friend. I also shared a flat with her, I couldn't have had a better person to share my uni experience with. We was in a bedsit kind of thing. I found it hard to make friends there, I'm really not the type to go out drinking. That is literally the focus of uni for most students to go out and get drunk. My Mum always asks me had I shared with other people and just not one person, my best friend, would I have enjoyed it more? The answer for me is no... I think a lot of the things I didn't enjoy was down to the wrong course and being away from people I loved.

My Mum was so proud of me when I got accepted to go to university, I knew she would be. What Mum wouldn't be proud of their child going to university? I felt like so many people would be disappointed in me for my option to drop out. However, it just wasn't for me. I really did not believe in my course at all. The main focus of my course was Psychology and the first year of Psychology and Counselling was just so repetitive. I'd learn the same things over and over. In one of my seminars a week I would have no idea what my lecturer was talking about. It became hard and I felt so dumb. 

Then it comes to the counselling part of my course. I hated it. Something I thought I'd love and I'd end up doing later in life as a career, I hated. That's so hard to handle. Thinking something is your dream and realising otherwise. I felt so awkward in the role play sessions where we had to put the skills to use we learnt. I just felt like it was all so fake I didn't see how it could help someone. I know for some people it's great and it works. Doing something as a job that you don't believe in though? Surely you need to be passionate. Forever is a long time to be doing what I was going to be doing. I had to put my happiness as priority. So now I'm in debt and unemployed! Hurrahhhh! I do joke but things can only look up!

I do have a back up plan, I wouldn't have left uni if I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. I'm currently looking for a job and this is why I thought I'd take up blogging. I wanted a hobby of some sort so here I am telling you my life story I guess, ha! I'm going to apply for Midwifery at Sheffield Hallam, somewhere closer to home for 2015 entries as I can't apply for entry this year. So here's my university experience. Obviously everyone does not have the same experience! This is just my point of view and how things worked out for me. I'd just like to say The University of Northampton is so lovely. It's such a nice campus with a lovely environment. It really is a beautiful university, just it's not for me I guess and that's fine. 

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #2: PARENTS

HONESTY HOUR #2: PARENTS

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I'm trying to get these up every week on a Tuesday. I've been thinking what to write about this week. Obviously last week was my journey with anxiety. It wasn't in much detail but if you want to read about it, you can do so, here. These blog posts are pretty open so it's hard for me to want to pour my heart out on certain areas of my life. I never want these posts to come across like "oh feel sorry for me!". It's really not a case of that I just want everyone to know, you can get through anything.

This week I guess I shall talk about my experience with an absent parent. My Dad left at the age of about 9 years old. He moved away abroad. I have rarely seen him for the last 10 years. When I have I've probably seen him for 10 hours total a year or every 2 years. At first we spoke every night on MSN. Now from the previous sentence you can tell that was quite a while ago, ha! Then it went to nothing... Sometimes I'd email him to see how he was doing. I guess deep down I missed him but everyday life, I could cope. It sounds sad, but now I've learnt to live without him. I've had to cope with not seeing him once in the past 4 years, I've had to learn.

My Mum has never swayed my opinion on my Dad. She's never once spoken about him in a negative way. I mean if it was my ex husband and he'd done what he'd done I'd have to bite my tongue so many times. She let me make my own mind up before sharing her opinions. Me and my Mum became so close in the year of 2013 when I was experiencing serious bouts of anxiety. She supported me so much and she was always there when I needed to cry about it all. My Dad didn't really have any idea what was going on. I had so much frustration, anger and resentment held towards him it was hard to even want to talk to him via Facebook.

It comes to my current situation now, I'm 19, my Dad is back in England, back in my home town. I'm currently not having contact with him face to face. I am trying my hardest to get the courage and enthusiasm to go and see him and to build a relationship. It's hard when you feel like someone is a total stranger... I always say to my Mum, if the opportunity to see him is there and I don't, I know if anything ever happened to him, god forbid it does, I'd regret not seeing him. That's where my fight comes from for me to go and see him. It's still a massive work in progress...

I know though I'll do it. I know I'll be brave enough. Humans can get through anything and I keep remembering this when my down days come where this whole situation overwhelms me.

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #1: MY JOURNEY

HONESTY HOUR #1: MY JOURNEY

FOUND ON PINTEREST

I want to start a series of some sort on my blog called honesty hour. I have no idea what to call it so honesty hour will stick for now. In these posts all I aim to do is just be honest with you guys. I just want to give you a positive uplift when I do these posts and share some experiences with you of mine. I really hope that this will let you all get to know me much better too.

September 2013, I was diagnosed with anxiety. Prior to this I'd had the worst 8 months you could imagine. I was scared of going outside with most people except my Mum. I was constantly worried I was going to faint. This worry came around because I'd constantly feel light headed and most of the time I felt like I was on a different world and really not on earth... This may sound dramatic but it was the truth. Many times I had to leave sixth form and go home because I just felt absolutely awful and scared. 

I was also suffering from nightmares quite often and I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome during this time too. I would sleep so much. I'd have naps after sixth form I'd then go to bed about 11:30pm. I'd wake up tired the next day, I never at all felt refreshed. I was sitting my A-level exams at the time all this was happening. My teachers were telling me if my attendance kept being like it was, I'd fail... Let me tell you now, I believed in myself, I knew I wouldn't fail. Baring in mind I got an A in A-level Psychology, the teacher who was telling me I'd fail was most definitely wrong.

I had such a hard time with the doctors to get a diagnosis. They prodded and poked at me so many times with a needle trying to find out what was wrong with me. It took a whole 8 months to finally get diagnosed with anxiety. I'd originally been diagnosed with anaemia even though my iron levels weren't at the correct scale to be even diagnosed with that. I also had to go and see an exercise therapist. This was to control my Chronic Fatigue. I saw a diet specialist because doctors thought my diet was causing my lack of energy. I really don't eat that bad. Most of the time I get my 5 a day as the specialist discovered. All of this was a waste of time. I honestly believe as long as it's not them they don't care. I was living through hell and I'd cry because I thought nobody cared about the suffering I was going through daily.

That was 9 months ago... I'm currently taking medication to control my anxiety. I've been asked to see a counsellor, I refuse. I've done a counselling course myself and believed this wouldn't help. Mentally, before I started my tablets I'd say my mental health was about 35% now I'd easily say it is around 80-85%. To me this is such a massive improvement. I could not be happier with how far I've come. I have those days where I'm a bit shakey and feel anxious but nothing like before where my head would constantly feel fuzzy. I honestly believe I'm going to have those bad days but they're really not as many as the good days I now have. So I want everyone to know who is currently suffering despite what you think, things will get better.