HONESTY HOUR #8: IT'S OKAY TO CRY

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You know when things just all build up into one big mess in your head and it just comes crashing down in the form of tears. That was me, yesterday. I felt like I'd been shouted at, silly I know, but that on top of everything else building up in my head meant I headed for a breakdown of crying... The main reason, I felt like a failure, I know I'm far from it.

With that aside I just want to say it's okay to cry every now and then. There's totally nothing wrong with it. Do it. It's good for you. Let it all go, everything that you've built up inside just let it out of your system and that's it really, move on. It's hard to be sane and deal with lives everyday things when you have things building up inside you or you will undoubtedly breakdown into fits of tears anywhere. This could be over someone speaking to you in a way you dislike too, as I found out yesterday, ha!

So many people think they're weak if they cry and that's far from true. I honestly believe it's healthy. Find something that's going to help you cry and once you are, just cry it all out. We hold so much in that it takes such a strain on us and it all comes rushing out at once and we make ourselves feel worse by doing this. If you're anything like me though you'll carry on doing this. In perspective all I'm trying to say here is cry whenever you need too and don't be afraid of that because it's perfectly normal to cry.

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #7: MOTIVATION

HONESTY HOUR #5: NIGHTMARES

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These honesty hours recently are just basically so negative. I do wish to share my experience with you all though. Know that for now, I am not experiencing any of these topics as much as I was doing the year of 2013. This can only be seen as a positive. However, for all of those people that are reading this blog and are currently experiencing any of the things I've spoken about in my 'Honesty Hour' series, I want you to know that I can relate and I understand what all of this stuff feels like on the emotions.

So here I am yet again writing another Honesty Hour post, these are my favourite to write but I really do try to express as much of my experience as I possibly can with you all without me feeling uncomfortable about it. As I've disclaimed before I do not want sympathy these posts are just stories of hope. With that said I can now share my experience with frequent nightmares.

I am sure you've all experienced nightmares on one occasion or another. I had them quite frequently though at one point in 2013. I must've had 2/3 a week. That doesn't seem much considering some people unfortunately suffer with them terrifically more than I ever did. No matter the frequency though they were horrific to even go through. I'd wake up and I could never get back to sleep. I'd have to sleep with the light on and on some accounts I'd also stay up until it got light outside. I was so scared.

I feel so lucky I never experienced them every single night, I can only imagine what that must be like for the people that suffer every night. The nights I experienced them I'd wake up in a panic, I'd be so still, scared to move. Sometimes I'd wake up crying. I'd try and calm myself down until I felt brave enough to switch a light on. The thing is at time you often have nobody to talk to because it's often early morning. That's the difficult thing, I lived with my Mum at this point but I never liked the thought of going to wake her up. I knew I could have, she made that very clear but I still tried my best not to resort to this.

My nightmares varied, they could be about anything. Some were really trivial, others hit me very hard. After I woke up from a nightmare the only thing I could think about was the nightmare, I was reliving it over and over. I used to often dream about my Granddad who passed away in 2011. These dreams were horrible because he used to look really unhappy with me. They used to really get to me, I always wandered what if he wasn't proud of me. It's silly really, me and my Granddad were so close and he was always proud of me. I had dreams of people close to me dying too and getting chased which is known as a common dream.

I'd like to say now I've not suffered with a nightmare in around 8 months. My anxiety has also been treated within this space of time. I believe I was having frequent nightmares because of my level of stress, my anxiety and just my mindset in general. It's difficult to write this post because I am always scared of jinxing it. They're so hard to deal with, they make you scared to fall asleep at night. Living without the constant fear is much more relaxing and I think my anxiety medication has helped with the decrease in nightmares. All I can say is just believe, keep the hope.

IF YOU ENJOYED THIS YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: HONESTY HOUR #4: FEELINGS

HONESTY HOUR #1: MY JOURNEY

FOUND ON PINTEREST

I want to start a series of some sort on my blog called honesty hour. I have no idea what to call it so honesty hour will stick for now. In these posts all I aim to do is just be honest with you guys. I just want to give you a positive uplift when I do these posts and share some experiences with you of mine. I really hope that this will let you all get to know me much better too.

September 2013, I was diagnosed with anxiety. Prior to this I'd had the worst 8 months you could imagine. I was scared of going outside with most people except my Mum. I was constantly worried I was going to faint. This worry came around because I'd constantly feel light headed and most of the time I felt like I was on a different world and really not on earth... This may sound dramatic but it was the truth. Many times I had to leave sixth form and go home because I just felt absolutely awful and scared. 

I was also suffering from nightmares quite often and I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome during this time too. I would sleep so much. I'd have naps after sixth form I'd then go to bed about 11:30pm. I'd wake up tired the next day, I never at all felt refreshed. I was sitting my A-level exams at the time all this was happening. My teachers were telling me if my attendance kept being like it was, I'd fail... Let me tell you now, I believed in myself, I knew I wouldn't fail. Baring in mind I got an A in A-level Psychology, the teacher who was telling me I'd fail was most definitely wrong.

I had such a hard time with the doctors to get a diagnosis. They prodded and poked at me so many times with a needle trying to find out what was wrong with me. It took a whole 8 months to finally get diagnosed with anxiety. I'd originally been diagnosed with anaemia even though my iron levels weren't at the correct scale to be even diagnosed with that. I also had to go and see an exercise therapist. This was to control my Chronic Fatigue. I saw a diet specialist because doctors thought my diet was causing my lack of energy. I really don't eat that bad. Most of the time I get my 5 a day as the specialist discovered. All of this was a waste of time. I honestly believe as long as it's not them they don't care. I was living through hell and I'd cry because I thought nobody cared about the suffering I was going through daily.

That was 9 months ago... I'm currently taking medication to control my anxiety. I've been asked to see a counsellor, I refuse. I've done a counselling course myself and believed this wouldn't help. Mentally, before I started my tablets I'd say my mental health was about 35% now I'd easily say it is around 80-85%. To me this is such a massive improvement. I could not be happier with how far I've come. I have those days where I'm a bit shakey and feel anxious but nothing like before where my head would constantly feel fuzzy. I honestly believe I'm going to have those bad days but they're really not as many as the good days I now have. So I want everyone to know who is currently suffering despite what you think, things will get better.